50 Shades of Pandering

A version of this post originally appeared in 2012.

Yeah, I'm old enough to get a daily dose of AARP emails. The fact that I no longer mind admitting that should also tell you something about my age. So I'm giving the daily email a quick once-over and slam on the eye brakes at an article about book recommendations. I love to read. Since my escape from the mass produced, over-hyped tree pulp spoon-fed by the Doubleday Book Club, I freely roam all forms of media looking for my next favorite book. And here's how the AARP article started:

AARP's antireview of 50 Shades:

. . . know what's in store for you: paper-thin characters spouting middle-school dialogue during mechanistic scenes of sex, bondage, sex, punishment, sex, spankings and yet more sex in a "playroom of pain." But if, instead, you're a fan of gripping, well-crafted tales about complex relationships . . .

. . . and on it went to talk about other books. Not exactly a ringing endorsement. So, they apparently hate the book, but they lead their summer reading review mentioning it? Do they want us to read it or not?

Seriously, I get it. They want to cash in on the hype, but they don't want anyone to think they actually approve of it ,or (heaven forbid) might have even read the thing.

Man, someone's SEO geek is really earning her salary. I appreciate the cleverness, but their shameless bid for youthful relevance ticked me off. And I am totally ripping off the concept for future blog posts. Here are a few ideas in draft mode. Let's see if they benefit from this new strategy.

As per Branding 101, I am planning several blog entries about evergreen topics, including the Olympics. How's this for a cruelly misdirected lead?

The wonders of network broadcasting technology provide us with nearly limitless opportunities to watch athletic competition. But they are not without their pitfalls. An innocent search for tennis programming may land you in Kardashianville. Beware the segment featuring the gals and their mom taking to the tennis court for a little R&R. If you were looking for an environment of etiquette and courtesy, look again. After approximately the fourth minute of pedestrian on-court hacking, trowel-applied makeup and disrespectful adolescent mockery, you will be desperate for something less soul-killing - like the Olympics!

See what I did there? I casually name-dropped a hugely popular trend (whose appeal completely escapes me) that had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH MY PREFERRED TOPIC, and used it to shill for said preferred topic.

Genius! Let's try another one!

Maybe I should re-think the intro to a previous blog entry featuring a recipe for chicken salad:

Have a hankering for some chicken, but tired of standing in line for hours behind a bunch of intolerant ignoramuses? Consider dishing up this homemade wonder that will have your family cheering for more (and spare you the overpowering compulsion to shower as soon you leave the Chick-Fil-A parking lot). 

I think the trick is to find the broad generality one loves, like books or chicken or tennis, and pinpoint the inevitable handful of unbelievably annoying fringe elements who have tainted it with their 15 minutes of fame. Quick! Glom onto their media-bloated coattails before the trend passes like black beans at a vegan potluck.

It just wouldn't be a proper blog post published in the spring of 2020 without a nod to the 800 pound gorilla of news topics, now would it? I'll wrap this up with a shameless attempt at some SEO traction:

Welcome to Day Whatever of the Covid-19 shelter-at-home order. What initially appeared to be a blessing in disguise (no work commute! loads of quality time with loved ones!) has quickly morphed into a real-life version of a prison apocalypse movie. Ready to escape? Check out my latest book. It's set in the 19th century Texas frontier, so social distancing is a piece of cake. The only people wearing masks are the ones holding up your stage coach. And there are no toilet paper shortages, because it hasn't been invented yet.

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