Tag: home repairs

It's official: the Do It Yourself craze is out of control. It's the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since Valentine's Day. As you probably suspected, it is a vast middle class conspiracy designed to generate billions for the big box hardware stores and the niche cable channels. The infuriating part is HOW it generates the billions. It's not by inspiring you to try the latest fads in 'updating' your home. Oh, no. it's more insidious than that. The DIY trend is designed to make you THINK you can do things yourself. But of course this is a damnable lie on par with the Prince Charming myth disseminated by the Feb 14 people.

Listen to me carefully here: You Cannot Do Any Of That Stuff Yourself. You don't have the expensive precision tools. You don't have the hot studs/studettes and their two dozen lackeys, each of whom have won the renovation equivalent of the Oscar in their respective fields (Woodworking, Tilework, Plumbing, Electrical, and the big kahuna, Home Staging). Most importantly, you don't have a CLUE how to do any of this stuff. If the extent of your experience before tackling a project is watching an HGTV show on said project, that 22 minutes per episode means bupkus. You need to accept this and be at peace with it.

So here's how they get us - they convince us we can do this stuff. We head to the big box store, happily lay out the cash for tools and materials because we know we are saving tons of money on labor by doing it ourselves. But when we fail miserably (and we will), they know we will head back to the big box at least one more time to try and fix the big mess we just made. Cha Ching! And yes, sadly, most of us end up calling the professionals anyway, once we realize the ugly truth and cannot in fact get the water supply shut off after the toilet is already ripped out of the master bath. Double Cha Ching!

Do I sound bitter? Oh, yes, I am one of the millions who have drunk the DIY Kool-Aid. But they make it look so easy, dang it! Even the packagers are in on the deal. How many times have you read on the side of a package, "No Tools Required!" or "Easy Installation"? Even the ones that have the little rating system, "Easy, Medium, Difficult" are a scam - never attempt anything above Easy and if you do, be sure to have your handyman's cell phone number at the ready.

Can you tell we have owned a few homes that were a bit of a fixer? Some were move-in ready and didn't need much work other than a coat of paint here and there. Easy! At least that is something I know I can do (except for the time I cheaped out on paint and it took me four coats and four hours before I gave up and bought the good paint to get decent coverage - lesson learned).

Other homes we've owned, on the other hand, have had oodles of projects. Most were maddeningly, temptingly DIY-type tasks. But nothing is ever that easy, is it?

In one place we lived, I'm guessing the previous owners were avid DIYers, judging from the variety of can light styles throughout. Could we not get more than two of a kind that match each other, people? Can Light Project #1: the can was missing its trim. The light worked fine, except for the 1/2 inch gap all the way around. Classy! So I'm thinking, no big deal, just go buy a piece of trim and plop it up there. Problem solved, right? Picked up some trim, got it home no problem. Where/how to attach trim to existing can? Big Problem. Took the can out of the ceiling to see if there was some sort of attachment further up the can, and found it was the wrong kind of can for that slot. Specifically, it was a can designed for a space with no insulation and of course there was nothing but loads of pink cotton candy insulation in the space. Ruh Roh! Back to the big box store for the correct type of can that Won't Burn Down My House.

As if that wasn't enough - right as you walk in the door, there were three recessed light fixtures, or at least there are supposed to be. There are two fixtures and a third hole but no fixture, just wires dangling out of the ceiling, which brings us to Can Light Project #2. WTF?? How hard is it to just buy the other can and put it in? Funny you should ask. Turns out the hole is one that has very little clearance between ceiling and roofline, so not just any can will work there. On the third try, managed to find a fixture that not only would fit in the space, but would sort of match the other two that were already up there. We're talking within 2 feet or so, so it would be nice if they matched.

By this time, the big box store people have my picture on a poster in their break room due to the number of return/exchange items I am racking up.

So anyway, I am ecstatic about finally finding a fixture that appears to be the solution. All that is left to do is white to white, black to black, ground to ground and we are in business, right? Of course the house wiring is stiff as a board and does not want to bend into the correct shape to fit into the little j-box of the fixture, so we have the usual drama and cursing to get the wires joined. Finally get everything copacetic, fool around with the stupid little metal clamps that keep the fixture more or less in place in the hole, shove it in there, and it's Go Time - screw in bulb, turn on switch, mission accomplished. The excitement is building. Turn on switch. And . . . nothing happens.

Of course it doesn't.

Remove bulb, pull fixture out, assuming stupid wires have become detached somehow in the process, possibly in the shoving portion of our show. But all is well with the wires . . . (head scratching here) . . . is bulb faulty? Go find other smallish bulb that definitely works in other fixture . . . still nothing . . . then realization dawns.

Did I mention this house was lousy with light switches, the purpose of which approximately 25% of which have not been identified? So I'm giving the stink-eye to the single switch that operates the other two lights that are in proximity with the one I am working on, and I start to wonder if maybe, just maybe, this one light is on a different switch?

Yup.

Why in the name of all that is holy, I don't know, but two of the three lights are on a single switch, and the third one is on a three switch fixture around the corner. Of course it is. So I throw one of the three switches while the can is still dangling from wires out of the ceiling and Eureka, the light comes on. Do a little celebration dance, get the correct bulb in there, shove it back in place, turn it on, Nada (insert cursing here). Take can out of hole, disassemble, re-attach stupid white wire that became mysteriously disconnected (see 'shoving' above), reconnect, shove can back in hole, put correct bulb in, throw switch, and a frickin' hour later stupid hole has stupid fixture in it, like it was supposed to be when they cut the stupid hole in the stupid ceiling in the first place.

Lord I don't want to be that girl, the one that leaves a bunch of unfinished projects for the next homeowner. That's just wrong.

I don't know about you, but I am exhausted. I have decided rather than try to save a bunch of money doing all these future projects myself, I am going to work extra hard on generating some income to hire the pros to come in and do this stuff. The DIY Kool-Aid has worn off and I don't want to do anything around here more complicated than flushing a toilet. Did I mention we bought a new toilet? It's sitting out in the entryway, still in its box, pretty as you please. Can't wait to see how that project turns out.

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